The Upsherin

Jewish Advocate, March 2009

 

In spite of the fact that I claim no anxiety (as if), I wake up at four in the morning, without being able to go back to sleep.  To make matters worse, the clocks are adjusted, so I get an extra hour of sleeplessness, and an extra hour to ponder, walk around aimlessly, stare at the clock that just won’t move. I have much to think about: today is the day my son will have his haircut.  This will be a big change; from now one, everybody will be able to see his face, strangers will no longer call him a girl, and if he gets gum in his hair again, we can just grab the scissors.  

Of course, this is much more than a haircut.  After today, my son will be a “big boy”, and no longer a baby.  He will have responsibilities. Jewish responsibilities, no less.  Mostly, this means we have to be his teachers; more responsibility for him means more responsibility for us.  Just like his Bris, this ceremony serves as a reminder to parents that we have these children on loan, and that we need to take care of business. It’s time to make up the balance regarding our son’s Jewish education; what are we doing right, in what areas are we lacking?  

He has been learning his Brachot, although at this time, they mostly sound like “mumble, mumble, mumble” followed by a loud and heartfelt: “Omeyn!”  He knows how to wash his hands, and give Tzedakah.   He can recognize a Gimel, though no other letters, but it’s a start.  He is twisting his tongue around the jargon of his identity; we go to ‘Shabbat’ to celebrate ‘Chabad’, a Mogen David is a ‘Chanukah’, and kippahs are a nuisance, to be thrown across the room like a Frisbee.  When I show him a picture of Latkes in his Chanukah book, he insists it’s a Challah, on Friday mornings he goes to ‘Torah Tops’, and he continues to think that Shabbat Candles need to be A) blown out, and B) accompanied by a birthday song.

Most of the time I feel there is a lot of knowledge bubbling beneath the surface, ready to erupt.  So what if he only knows the “Torah” part of the Torah-song; it’s the most important part, isn’t it? It’s so tempting to feel overwhelmed by the amount of things we have to teach him; it’s easier to focus on all the things he doesn’t know, than on the things he does know.  

At the ceremony, I see my baby amidst a throng of gathered friends, and Naches replaces apprehension.  During the ceremony he sits perfectly still, and not one complaint passes his lips as, lock by lock, his hair gets snipped; it’s as if he knows how important this moment is.  Sometimes, when our children go through such earth shattering transformations, time stands still and we know we will remember this moment forever. However, before I can dwell on the sentimentality of it all, the ceremony is over and he goes back to running around the synagogue. It occurs to me that small children don’t allow much room for parents to get all touchy-feely about these things.  He drives that point home when, after most of the guests have left, he climbs up on the podium, jumps off and hits his head.  Which is fine, it’s not the first time.  Except for the fact that now there is no hair to cover that big, blotchy-is that a rug burn??- thing on his forehead.

 

 

Children and Their Secret Itineraries

Jewish Press December 2008

 

Whoever coined the phrase “never a dull moment” must have looked into the future and seen my kids.  My husband and I, we like boring. Boring is good. But boring doesn’t live at our house. Not a week goes by that some mini-crisis doesn’t occur and throw the whole family into a tailspin, causing us to wonder whether everybody else’s children are this weird, ‘why us’, and what’s next.

I do know there are other parents who have experienced the explode-a-kid: you ask them for something innocent (put on your coat, brush your hair) and complete pandemonium ensues. Screaming, throwing objects, crying; you’d think you’d done something awful like cutting off Barbie’s head or taking a blowtorch to their dollhouse.  The worst thing about these disproportionate anger attacks is that you can’t see them coming; one minute everything’s fine, the next your day is ruined and you feel like grabbing a bottle of rum and hiding in the broom closet for the next three hours.

I believe the reason children are so unpredictable is that they have a daily itinerary            only they know about. You may think it’s a quarter to twelve and time to put on their coat, but to them, it’s 11:44:08; the moment they were planning to space off and pick their nose a bit. You can look at the clock and decide it’s almost 7 pm and time for dinner; to them, it’s 6:49:19: the exact time during which they need to switch Barbie’s purple dress for the blue one. By callously asking them to go wash their hands, you disrupt their rhythm, and they will never ever be happy again. How dare you?

The difficulty is that, as a parent, you never find out what kids are up to until it is too late. We recently experienced this when our four-year-old son started spreading a nasty stench that seemed to be coming from his nasal cavities. It could only be described as the smell of rotting mackerel that’s been lying in the sun for a few days. We bathed him several times, disinfected his clothes and investigated whether he had gotten into something we weren’t aware of. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and took him to the doctor. As it turned out, when children smell this nasty, it’s usually caused by something they stuffed up their nose. In Mendel’s case, it was a Reese’s wrapper. I didn’t know it could fit up there in the first place, but apparently, he managed just fine. (7:43:17 pm: stuff wrapper up nose).

            I spoke with a friend of mine, who is a pediatrician, and found out this is not unusual at all. Children put all sorts of things up their noses, and if it doesn’t fit at first, they just push harder until they succeed. He told me about a boy who peeled off a plastic cling his mother had painstakingly put on the window while decorating for Hanukkah; the smooth plastic went in easily, but medical intervention was needed to get it out. (4:12:08 pm: do something festive with a Menorah) Another friend talked about his nephew who had stuffed a miniature kitty up his nose, then had to follow it with a fireman to rescue the kitty. Once they were both stuck, the child saw no other solution than to put in a policeman to rescue the first two. All three had to be extracted in the emergency room. (9:06:53 pm: rack up large medical bill). Why children do these things, I don’t even want to know. I am guessing it has something to do with trying to find a purpose in life; when everybody around you is always busy, you need to come up with your own agenda. Even a four-year-old wants to feel important, and if you’re too young to have meetings and jobs and errands, you’ll just have to invent some very necessary tasks to fill your time. I just wish they would be a little less secretive about how they plan their day; with a little prior warning about that Reese’s wrapper, I could have totally scheduled around that.

Love and Logic at Friedel

(Love and Logic Finds a Home at Friedel)

Jewish Press 2/2009

 

During the past several weeks, staff from Jewish family Services and Friedel Jewish Academy have banded together to bring the community a great parenting resource. Karen Gustafson and Victor Schuermann, have offered the ‘Love & Logic’ parenting class at the school, for the benefit of community members.  “It is important that parents are included in our school,” Friedel Principal Ron Giller said. “Friedel is not just for kids, and this was a fantastic way to put a spotlight on parenting within and outside the school. The program was extremely enlightening, and offered many opportunities for adults to learn new strategies. I was impressed with the manner in which the Love & Logic curriculum emphasizes a respectful relationship between children and adults.”

            Based on the 1990 book, Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility by Foster W. Cline M.D., and Jim Fay, Love and Logic seminars are held all over the United States. Jewish Family Service’s Karen Gustafson and Victor Schuermann have been presenting L&L locally for the past seven years. Each session runs for a four week period, and costs $60 for the first time. “We encourage parents to keep coming back,” Gustafson explains, “because we don’t believe in a one-time fix. Parenting is a continuing part of our lives, and we invite people who have taken our class in the past to come in for a refresher, for only $5, a fraction of the cost. After all, parenting a three-year-old is very different than interacting with a teenager. We believe Love and Logic offers helpful strategies for every stage of parenting.”

Gustafson and Schuermann don’t stand in front of their students as therapists, but as co-parents. “We are in the same boat,” Gustafson says, “and we certainly don’t present the materials as if we have all the answers. It can be difficult for any parent to attend a parenting class, because it feels as if one is admitting one’s children are “bad”. The truth is, we all struggle from time to time to find the right answers, and so I often bring up more of my personal mistakes than success stories. It is essential for parents to have a realistic view, and know they are not alone.”

PTO-member Lise Sasson has been instrumental in bringing the Love and Logic seminar to Friedel: “This has been such an excellent opportunity for al of us as parents to grow, while at the same time getting to know each other better. The Friedel PTO has sponsored the classes, with help of a grant from Howard and Judy Vann Family Education Fund. Without their assistance, I don’t think we could have pulled this off! We are so grateful to Howard and Judy Vann; because of their generosity, we were able to offer the classes free of charge.”

Sasson is enthusiastic about the content of the seminars: “The one most important draw of the Love and Logic parenting style, in my opinion, is that this is the philosophy and method of discipline used by our own teachers at Friedel. It is very important for us as parents and teachers to be on the same page, because this way, we keep consistency between home and school. And it works! I have heard so much positive feedback from so many parents. Everyone, regardless their own parenting styles, seems to agree that these classes offer great tools.”

“For those interested in attending a Love and Logic seminar, Jewish Family Services presents the material twice a year,” Gustafson says, “and the next dates are April 2, 16, 23, and 30 of 2009. Anyone who wants more information about cost and materials, such as tapes and books, can call JFS at 330 2024. We’ll be happy to assist them.”

In addition, Friedel Jewish Academy is opening its doors for the annual Open House on March 5, from 7 until 8:30 pm. “Prospective parents, and anybody else in the community who has an interest in Friedel, is welcome,” says Yaffa Podbilewicz-Schuller, who is in charge of recruitment. “Teachers will speak about their classrooms, and former graduates will share their experiences at our school. There will be refreshments, and plenty of opportunities to get all your questions answered, as well as connect with current parents.” For more information about the Open House, or to schedule a tour of the school, please call Mary Jane Tweedy at 334 0517.