I’ve always thought an excellent way to measure the success of a child’s birthday party is to check whether the adults are having any fun. This may seem counter-intuitive; after all, it’s the child’s birthday, not his parents’. Having said that, a singular focus on whether your child is entertained enough, combined with the stress of getting everyone to the birthday location on time (not to mention making sure every parent fills out the permission slip, lest someone breaks an arm on the jumpy castle) often leads to an over-produced and expensive affair. There is a simpler way to do this.

Fire the balloon man, and cancel the ponies. Skip the activities, the scavenger hunts, and stay home. Invite your guests –and their families- to come to your house, and hang out. Plan nothing, leave the kids alone, and see what happens. It’s a revolutionary idea that more and more parents are going for.

Last night, one of my son’s friends celebrated his fifth birthday. We all went, and it was fabulous to, for once, not simply drop him off and pick him up: instead, we got to stay, eat, hang out, and have actual conversations with other parents, making this feel more like a family get together than anything. Actually, we needed a bit of a sit-down, since the house we went to was outside the city limits, and we almost killed a deer on the way. See: we weren’t even there yet, and already had a ton of excitement.

The food was safe; my children could eat everything. This was a nice change from many of the public birthday destinations, where I often have to explain to the kids that the hamburger-and-bacon pizza with extra cheese is probably not kosher.

There are additional benefits. My daughter experienced how annoying and loud an entire herd of five-year-olds can be. This should help her be more tolerant at home, where she has to put up with just one. Although, on second thought, that might take some of the fun out of having a younger brother: what good is he if you can’t blame him for random stuff?

Of course, simply playing without itinerary takes its toll. By the end of the evening, little Mendel was exhausted and expressed this by refusing a bathroom break. I explained that the drive back would take about a year, and his only option was to go now. He responded by doing some unmentionable things with the toilet lid, and having a good cry. After half an hour or so, he peed, and was ready to go home. He even had the good sense to fall asleep in the car, so we could put him straight to bed after coming home around 9:15.
I should mention he woke back up at midnight, ready to party some more, making his actual bedtime 2 pm. Still, that puts the total amount of sleep at approximately 10 hours, which is extremely successful in our house. No way would he sleep that well after visiting the jumpy castles.

Last but not least, you can skip the stranger talk: “Don’t trust anybody just because they wear a party hat!” “If the clown makes you uncomfortable, scream!” “Don’t go to the bathroom alone, come find me first, which will take forever and you’ll run the risk of peeing yourself in front of your friends!”

These are necessary warnings at any public venue these days, which take all the fun out of the party. At someone’s house, there is no risk of running into trouble; the only thing to worry about is that your kid breaks someone else’s stuff or drops some cherry soda on the sofa, which is the host’s fault anyway, since they invited us in the first place. At-home birthday parties, I think, are the new cool.

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Did it leave a mark?

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Bring it home, King Antiochus

This morning, at preschool, my son threw a miniature fit. He drew a picture, folded it up neatly, and attempted to stick it in his pocket. “No,” said the teacher, “you’re supposed to hang it on the wall.”

This was not what he had planned; he cried a bit, stomped off to the hallway and pouted for a minute or two. The teacher, who is smarter than him, left him alone; eventually he came back inside and everything was fine. He just needed to get it off his chest. He forgave his teacher; she couldn’t know she had made a cardinal mistake by deciding something without him.

Mendel believes in discussing things, weighing options, carefully coming to an agreement. He is all about compromise and input, and would love it if we took a vote on everything. Maybe I have taken him to too many board meetings; he is a democratic creature, and does not respond well when simply told what to do.

Getting a little worked up now and then is acceptable behavior, I think; we all have our pet peeves. Mine is wasting food: you finish your plate, and if it really can’t be eaten anymore it is composted. My daughter hates turtlenecks and sleeping under a blanket. My husband has a thing about ugly shoes, and the use of the word “piggy-back” during meetings. The essence of a good pet peeve, however, is that it isn’t something you are confronted with all the time.

The thing with Mendel’s pet peeve is, he’s taking it too far. After all, you can’t argue every decision in life; at some point you just have to accept the status quo and get in line. You can’t argue with the weather or with traffic lights, and Tuesday will not magically turn into Friday just because you come up with great arguments. This means he gets his feathers ruffled on an hourly basis.

My hope is that, at some point, he will update his pet peeve. Maybe he can start disliking something that he doesn’t experience so often, like Christmas Elves, or people who hand out toothpaste on Halloween. Groundhog Day, Fireworks, or the Super Bowl: there are many things that you confront once a year, for a short period, so you more or less get 11 anger-free months. I think it’s a great idea.

Now, how do I go about fostering a deep-seated hatred of Elves?

My son came home the other day with macaroni art. Okay, technically, it wasn’t macaroni; it was differently shaped pasta, spray-painted and glued in a random pattern to a piece of paper. It wasn’t an isolated incident either; earlier this week, he glued Apple Jack cereal to cardboard; I ask you, is this an acceptable thing to be doing during an artist’s formative years?

“What are they teaching you at that preschool,” I asked him, “How do you ever expect to become a fabulous artist if you waste your talent on macaroni?” He shrugged and walked away. He didn’t ask me to put it on the fridge, either: instead, he kind of hid it underneath a pile of mail where I came upon it by accident. He seemed slightly embarrassed about the whole thing. “Don’t do this again,” I warned him, “or there will be consequences.”

Then I remember a documentary about David Lynch I watched years ago. In it, Lynch talks about some recent artwork he’s been working on: he has nailed several slabs of raw meat to a board, and is watching it decompose. First, it changes color, then it become infested by maggots; eventually it turns into a nasty slimy mess, crawling with bugs and the stench becomes unbearable. I think his son talks about marching ants in one of the scenes; the whole family appears slightly disgusted but otherwise unfazed. It’s art, although perhaps not for the masses, but what are you going to do in this day and age, when everything’s been done before? You expand your horizon, that’s what; you find society’s limits, and you challenge them.

The limits in our house definitely include macaroni art; it’s stale, it’s childish, and it’s something I thought Mendel had left behind when he grew out of his diapers. Maybe because of that attitude, we have turned it into a taboo: art with food? Bah!
Taboos are solid gold, as far as artists are concerned, and when you look at it that way, even macaroni art can become fresh and modern again.
Also, he’s watched that strawberry scene in Across the Universe many times, so maybe this isn’t a lapse; maybe it’s a developmental leap. Yes, that must be it. I guess this marks the beginning of Mendel’s food period; I wonder how long it will last. Perhaps I should dig up the macaroni sheet, and hang it on the fridge after all.

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Bad Toys
By Annette van de kamp-Wright

(This column was previously published in The Jewish Press, November 2007)

 With Hanukkah just around the corner, it’s time for the December Dilemma.  I am not referring to any real or imaginary issues we have with the Christmas season; I am talking about the question of what appropriate Hanukkah presents look like. I know people who manage to make it through eight days with the help of Gelt and candles, and maybe a donut and a latke or two, and I admire them.  They avoid greedy behavior, spending too much money, and wasting hours wrapping every gift just so.  This is not the case at our house.

            Of course, my husband and I have set the precedent years ago, and now we are stuck: Hanukkah is here and presents are expected.  I think that’s okay; besides, I like buying and wrapping presents for my children.  Now that my daughter is in first grade, she plans ahead: as soon as the first toy catalog hits the mailbox, she buries her nose in it and sighs wistfully every five minutes or so.  I told her to make a list with things she would like; if she is expecting ridiculous things like ponies or a new house, I’d like to know about it.  We set rules: for each toy she has to write down a book; and my husband and I agree that only one Barbie is allowed. What’s more, nothing can be over fifteen dollars. That way we avoid unacceptable items like the “Barbie hot tub party bus” and the “Barbie gymnastic Divas playset”.  I am not making this up.

            When she presents me with her “Hnakah”-list, I am pleasantly surprised; there is not a single item over $15.   She wants a crown, a fake flower, and a new dress. As an extra reminder, she has drawn a picture of a present in the corner of the paper.  As far as books go, she casts her net a little wider: instead of specifics, she has written down categories, such as art-books, and ‘funny books’. This begs the question of what books are ‘funny’ to six year olds.  I’ve already bought her a ‘Shakespeare for Children’ book; would she consider that funny?  I doubt it.  All in all, this is not such a bad list.  Judging from the toy catalog, things could be much more grave.

            For instance, there is a dinosaur doll, that develops its own personality based on how much time you spend with it.  In other words, time you don’t spend reading, or being outside, or cleaning your room.  The cost is a mere $349.99.  I wonder, if you leave it lying around too much, does it develop a personality disorder? Does it become socio-pathic if you don’t cuddle it?  That’s a pretty big risk to take for a couple of hundred dollars. The toy that truly puzzles me is a doll by the name of ‘baby alive wets ‘n wiggles’.  Yes, it is exactly what you think it is.  Who comes up with that?  And who wants a doll in the house that pees and doesn’t lie still; didn’t we suffer enough when our own, very real, babies went through that phase?  Hm, maybe I can buy this for her when she turns 16, as a warning?

This year, there are some new toys inspired by the movie “Transformers”.  My husband liked the movie; I didn’t see it and plan to keep it that way.  “But it has Shia LaBeouf in it!” he’ll say, as if a Jewish actor in the lead role automatically makes a movie acceptable.  Even he has to admit, though, that the accompanying toys are questionable at best.  Take for example the ‘Optimus Prime Voice Changer Helmet’, or the ‘Optimus Prime Battle Rig Blaster’.  Who even knows what these things are?  The little boys that wish for them are probably also enchanted by the idea of owning the ‘Ben 10 Deluxe Ominitrix’, which is a kind of oversized wristwatch that apparently helps defeat evil.  Well, no ten year old can live without one of those, I guess. 

            I have to ask myself, am I going to be one of those parents that absolutely don’t understand what their children want?  Do I make fun of, and use sarcasm when confronted with the toy aisle, merely to mask the fact that I’m experiencing a disconnect?  Maybe.  When I am confronted with the picture of a tent shaped like a café, I enquire whether it comes with a real coffee maker. Now that would be handy.  My daughter doesn’t think I am funny and rolls her eyes; she’s probably worried sick about what I’m buying for her.

            Of course, the real question remains to be answered: what is Hanukkah really about?  Because we all know that it isn’t about presents, and it isn’t about how crisp the Latkes are, or whether that new dress matches your expectations.  I do believe that, although Hanukkah is one of the minor holidays, it can fulfill a major role in our Jewish life, if we let it.  It is about spending time with friends and family, and about togetherness; about forming strong bonds through traditions and beliefs. About believing that miracles continue to happen, every day. It is, in short, a holiday that reminds us that Judaism brings light to dispel the darkness that so often surrounds us.  And dispelling darkness is better for our children than any toys I can think of.  

Chabad Knows Kids

By Annette van de Kamp-Wright

Recently, another successful summer camp was brought to a close at the Chabad House.  According to Estie Katzman, who has served as one of the camp counselors for years, this was the most enjoyable Camp Gan Israel yet: “What we really liked this year was the fact that camp ran through the 4rth of July. We were able to incorporate a really nice Barbeque right in the middle of camp, and include parents and grandparents in the camp experience.” Parent involvement is key when it comes to giving children a meaningful time over the summer.  “Camp Gan Israel offers much more than merely a place to drop your children off,” according to Estie, “we encourage parents to be aware of the wonderful things their children learn during camp. The Kids bring what they learn home, and hopefully incorporate many Mitzvot into their daily life. It is a spiritually enriching time for the whole family.” The Gan Israel Camp was awarded a grant from the Shirley and Leonard Goldstein Supporting Foundation.

The campers enjoyed many different things, such as swimming, a visit to the Durham Western Heritage museum, and crafts. They went to Fun Plex, they went bowling, and had a fashion show. They learned Israeli dancing and many, many songs. They learned about Tzedakah and many other Mitzvot, such as saying Brachot and helping each other. Most importantly, they learned what it means to be a proud Jewish “superhero”.  “We want children and families to leave here with a sense of how joyful Judaism really is,” Shani Katzman says, “and we want them to come back, often.”

Coming back should not be hard, considering what Chabad has planned for this Fall.  September 5^th will mark the beginning of “Thank G-d it’s Wednesday”, a new program for parents with young children who are not yet in school.  One of the organizers is Tippi Denenberg, who has three young children of her own. “I think it is important to have a place and time for parents to get together,” she says. “We are trying to create an environment where we not only pay attention to the spiritual needs of our children, but also to those of the parents. Raising children is a challenge. Getting together with others, and exchanging experiences can create good discussions, and provide a sense of support.”             

In addition to the TGIW program, there will be more Mishpacha (Family) Mornings this Fall. Mishpacha Mornings are held most Sundays from 10:15 until 11:45 and are aimed at families with children age 6 and younger. “A real breakfast awaits you upon arrival, everyone noshes and chats, the kids and adults have quick separate meetings to discuss the daily topics at their level, and lastly everyone regroups to tie it all together or to finish an art project. It’s amazing how many meaningful, thoughtful, and useful Jewish ideas come out of just one morning at Chabad. Regardless of your level of observance, you are guaranteed to learn something for you and your children in a relaxed and fun atmosphere”, Denenberg says.  All Mishpacha University programs will officially kick off on September 12^th with an apple picking event. An afternoon outing to an apple orchard will be organized for all who are interested. Mishpacha Mornings will be receiving funding from the Esther K. Newman/Carolyn Kully Newman Foundation.

Another event planned for fall is the repeat of last year’s “Challah-thon”.  On September 10, anyone interested in baking, eating, or purchasing Challah is welcome to come to the Chabad House around 7 p.m. and join in the fun.  “This is more than just a baking class”, Shani Katzman says. “It will give people a chance to connect within a traditional context. We will have several recipes to share, and for anyone too busy to bake for Rosh Hashanah, fresh, home-baked Challahs are available for purchase.”   

Naturally, Chabad will have adult education available several times a week as well.  To find out dates and times for any of the abovementioned activities, and to register you family for the Fall semester, please call Chabad at 330 1800, or check out the program at www.ochabad.com.   

Friedel Creates Latkemania

On December 20^th, it was once again time for staff and students at Friedel Jewish Academy to get their hands dirty.  The annual latke fry-and-sale was a big success. Parents and teachers started setting things up early in the morning, and at 9 am it was time for the students to jump in and help out. Spread out over several tables, The Kindergartners peeled, and the older students diced and sliced, while the adults made batter and controlled the fryers. The first band-aid was handed out at 9:05 am. This questionable honor went to Kindergartner Lily Goldberg, and she wasn’t the only one. It didn’t dampen anybody’s enthusiasm.

Many visitors came to either help out and fry latkes, or just to enjoy lunch and each other’s company. One of the visitors was Rabbi Yonathan Gross, who said that “it is wonderful to be here helping out, since together we are raising funds for the most important Jewish organization in Nebraska.”  Rabbi Gross is an experienced potato peeler, as he proved last year. This year he found himself packaging applesauce, accompanied by some members of the PTO.  When asked whether he had any experience in the food industry that would qualify him for such an important task, he mentioned that he had once worked as an industrial chef at a summer camp in the Catskills.  “ If you ever need me to cook for 700 people, I’m there”, he said.

Also helping out was Rabbi Seth Nadel, who went from table to table to chat with the students individually. “It is great to be here at the school”, Rabbi Nadel said, “Friedel and the Jewish Community in general have been very welcoming to my wife Na’ama and me. “ Rabbi Nadel has some culinary talents of his own, and told us that, had he not chosen to be a Rabbi, he could have been the next “Pickle King of New Jersey”, since his father is in the pickle industry.  Lucky for us, Rabbi Nadel was at Friedel cutting potatoes instead.

The success of Latke-day depends heavily on parents’ involvement.  Many fathers and mothers come and spend part of their day working with their children, and this shows the students exactly what working together can accomplish. One such parent is Sarah Teetzel, whose son Nathaniel and daughter Naomi both attend Friedel. “Any community involvement is good for the children”, Sarah said, “because it teaches them to focus on the needs of others, rather than themselves.  Helping out their school is also a great practice for them. It sets the standard by which they will hopefully live when they are adults.” Sarah also mentioned that this is a day for parents to get more involved, not only with the school, but with each other. “New relationships within the community are formed, and old ones are strengthened.” 

Students decorated the boxes that were used for take-out. Gabby Witkowski, who is a kindergartner, helped her mother Susan pack up the orders, and looked very proud of her contribution while making some nice memories with her mom.

Another enthusiastic parent is Dr. Michael Cohen. His face lights up when asked how he feels about Friedel. His daughter Lillian started Kindergarten in the Fall, and her progress, according to her father has “exceeded expectations. She has grown and blossomed so much, and we feel very blessed to be part of the Friedel Community”.

Everyone who helped out also learned that, in order to get something done, you sometimes have to get a little smelly.  Hopefully we’ll get the perfume-du-Latke out of our hair and clothes before 2007.  

Friedel Students Compete in District Speech

By Annette van de Kamp-Wright

On May 5, Friedel students Eva Phillips, daughter of Dr. Eric and Julie Phillips, and Elissa Wiener, daughter of Richard and Audrey Wiener, had the honor of representing their school at the annual district speech competition. Denise Bennett, who teaches fifth and sixth grade, prepared her students well for the event, which was held at Aldrich Elementary.  “Students from Aldrich, Wegner Middle School, St. Vincent DePaul, and Friedel competed,” Bennett said.  “The topic was “An American Landmark”.  Elissa spoke about The Empire State Building, and Eva Phillips spoke about Chimney Rock.  They were both excellent representatives of Friedel; they’re very gifted public speakers!”

Elissa, who attends fifth grade at Friedel, will go on to the state competition.  There will be students from the Omaha area as well as from Columbus and Madison, Nebraska.

The winner of this state competition will have his/her speech videotaped and sent to the national competition. “Friedel has had one state winner in the past – Jacob Katzman,” Bennett remembered, “I wish I remembered the exact year, but it was before 1995.  We were still located in the old building!”  Principal Cookie Katskee is looking forward to the next round: “Our students do a fantastic job with their speeches, and they are getting better every year. It’s very inspiring to watch them develop their skills in front of an audience.” The State competition will be held on May 19 at Brownell-Talbot.

Sukkoth

By Annette van de Kamp-Wright

There are few things more attractive to children than going outside and getting dirty.  Add a picnic lunch and some fun games, and you have a winner.  That is exactly what Friedel offered some very enthusiastic students and parents on Sunday, September 30^th. Parents Naava Naslavski and Ruti Margalit organized the outing to DeSoto National Park, in order to celebrate Sukkoth.

Our day had started relatively organized: we set the alarm and the whole family got up on time since there was much to do.  Religious school, meetings, some other stuff, and finally the Friedel outing all packed neatly together on our calendar, so we had to be a bit streamlined with our morning routine.  Alas, nothing ever goes as planned. When I came downstairs, I nearly stepped on a dead mouse our cat had deposited by the back door.  Our formerly lazy and overweight kitty has just this summer released her inner tiger, and surprises like this are not unusual. I therefore did not scream in panic, but calmly told my husband he had ‘something to clean up’.  My daughter ran to the back door, exclaiming how disgusting it was. Just to make sure it really was a very dead mouse, she stared at it for five minutes or so. I told her about ‘the cruelty of nature’ and that it was normal for cats to act like this.  Perhaps not the best lesson to start a day that’s supposed to end with outdoors fun? 

It didn’t stop her from being excited about the outing to DeSoto, though.  Sukkoth, after all, is often a lesson in inconvenience.  It’s easy to stay in the classroom and keep the kids indoors.  It’s a hassle to build a Sukkah, to plan an outing, to drive an hour to get outside of the city. You are subject to the weather, your plate with the hotdog still on it blows away, and the kids get dirty.  And when you go outside, you run the risk of stepping on a rotten apple or getting stung by an angry bee.

            However, it is when things get a little inconvenient that we gain the most for our children.  There are things they learn from getting out of the classroom they just can’t get anywhere else.  They learn to enjoy the awesomeness of nature; they make unlimited discoveries and get to be part of a bigger whole.  There are some very specific reasons why, during Sukkoth, G-d tells us to get outside and open our eyes to the world he has created.  Finally, our kids learn that it is okay for parents to get off the beaten path in order to teach their kids something. 

Tu B’Shevat

By Annette van de Kamp-Wright

The theme for Friedel’s 2007 celebration of Tu B’Shevat is “Make the World a Better Place”.  Art Teacher Julie Philips and her students have some special help this year in getting ready for and learning about this holiday. Artist-in-residence Janie Lynn York has visited the school several times over the past month to teach the students new skills that include drawing, story telling, and machine quilting.

            York is a quilter and textile artist who works from her home studio. She began her quilting by using traditional patterns and settings, but eventually shifted her focus towards using her art to help others. Janie has a degree in Family Science from the University of Omaha with a minor in Art History. “Art is an integral part of any students’ education”, York said. “Through art, students learn how to plan and follow through on that plan. They also learn that sometimes the smallest step can make a difference in the outcome of a project.”

At Friedel, York has worked individually with students, as each of them created artwork that expressed their plans for improving the world.  The students designed their own story board that was transferred onto fabric and subsequently quilted in the shape of a tree. York assisted the students with each step, as they learned how to create their own stories and use the machine quilter. York explained that “in the case of this project, the students discussed Tu B’Shevat and certain scriptures surrounding the project. Creating trees and writing stories gave them a more personal understanding of Judaism.”

            The kindergartners were very enthusiastic about the whole process. Ilana Mc Namara wrote about sharing: “It is nice to share clothes. I gave a dress to my sister. She was so happy”.  Isabella Wright said” I had fun. And nobody got their fingers stuck in the machine. We were all very careful”. Gabby Witkowski stayed within the theme as she described how she makes the world a better place: “I like to plant trees. Trees are special because they give us food and shade from the sun. G-d waters the tree when he cries.” Another student who connected with nature was Ethan (>>>>) who wrote: “My backyard isn’t very pretty. I talked to my dad about it. We decided to plant flowers”.   “My favorite part of working with Kindergartners is their honesty and lack of fear.” York said. “They are willing to try anything.”  The older kids, according to York, often bring a more mature attitude to the table: “They better understand the long term effects of their actions on family, community, and the earth.”  When asked what she would like her students to take away from this experience, York said “I want each child to leave with a sense that he or she has the power to make the world a better place. Even very small acts can make a difference.”

All trees are proudly displayed at Friedel for everyone to enjoy. Janie will be back in March for another session with the students. Until then, her work can be viewed at www.janielynntextiles.com.  Janie’s residency was sponsored by the Nebraska Arts Council and by Friend of Friedel Dr. Eric Phillips, and organized by Principal Cookie Katskee and Art teacher Julie Phillips.